AP State at UT:
Evan Berry returns the opening kickoff all the way in front of a sold out crowd. Josh Dobbs’ and the passing game click early and Coach Azzani’s WR rotation wears down the AP State secondary by late 2nd quarter. UT plays reserves entire 2nd half. With the game out of hand, Brent Musberger becomes obsessed with crowd shots of Josh Smith’s girlfriend, who becomes the next overnight Internet sensation.
Old Mess and Florida State:
Before the game, every talking head picks Florida State to go undefeated, “if they can get by Clemson”. Ole Miss then proceeds to pull out an inspired victory, highlighted by a fluke deflected pass touchdown. In a postgame interview, a sideline reporter asks Chad Kelly on live television if he ever received money from Ole Miss. Kelly replies, “Yeah, I would say that happened” before a frantic Jimmy Sexton assistant emerges from behind to whisk him away and declare that “He’s not answering any more questions”. Later, a defiant Hugh Freeze announces that he has set up a hot line for anyone that has any information about improprieties at Ole Miss. The hotline is staffed by former Dell Computer service reps in India.
UMass at Florida
A week before the game, Anita Panties-in-a-Wadhwani accepts a job as lead reporter for the Gainesville Sun newspaper. She immediately begins reporting about “Sweeping Sexual Assaults” involving practically every Florida player. She also reports that the locker room fight was an attempt to co-erce a player from reporting a sexual assault. Of course, ESPN refuses to carry any of the stories, but panicked administrators, afraid for their jobs if Hillary is elected, suspend the entire Gator starting lineup. Florida eeks out a 2 point win. Afterwards, Jim McElwayne tries to explain how his players resemble dead fish.
Clemson at Auburn:
Carl Lawson comes limping out of the game after the first play, but is still voted SEC Player of the Week. Gus Malzahn’s high school offense plays like . . . well, a high school offense and fails to convert a first down. The nation watches DeShaun Watson’s Heisman talk come to a screeching halt as he and his 5* receivers are never on the same page. Neither team manages to score in regulation and the game is finally called after eight overtimes and the game goes down as a scoreless tie, setting the game of football back 70 years. The next day, ratings for the final four hours are so low, that ESPN is forced to declare bankruptcy and the rights to their college football coverage are transferred to Fox Sports, who shifts some of their sexy news anchors over to moderate the future half-time shows. Tee Higgins, realizing he has made a huge mistake, announces that he is reopening up his recruitment.
Evan Berry returns the opening kickoff all the way in front of a sold out crowd. Josh Dobbs’ and the passing game click early and Coach Azzani’s WR rotation wears down the AP State secondary by late 2nd quarter. UT plays reserves entire 2nd half. With the game out of hand, Brent Musberger becomes obsessed with crowd shots of Josh Smith’s girlfriend, who becomes the next overnight Internet sensation.
Old Mess and Florida State:
Before the game, every talking head picks Florida State to go undefeated, “if they can get by Clemson”. Ole Miss then proceeds to pull out an inspired victory, highlighted by a fluke deflected pass touchdown. In a postgame interview, a sideline reporter asks Chad Kelly on live television if he ever received money from Ole Miss. Kelly replies, “Yeah, I would say that happened” before a frantic Jimmy Sexton assistant emerges from behind to whisk him away and declare that “He’s not answering any more questions”. Later, a defiant Hugh Freeze announces that he has set up a hot line for anyone that has any information about improprieties at Ole Miss. The hotline is staffed by former Dell Computer service reps in India.
UMass at Florida
A week before the game, Anita Panties-in-a-Wadhwani accepts a job as lead reporter for the Gainesville Sun newspaper. She immediately begins reporting about “Sweeping Sexual Assaults” involving practically every Florida player. She also reports that the locker room fight was an attempt to co-erce a player from reporting a sexual assault. Of course, ESPN refuses to carry any of the stories, but panicked administrators, afraid for their jobs if Hillary is elected, suspend the entire Gator starting lineup. Florida eeks out a 2 point win. Afterwards, Jim McElwayne tries to explain how his players resemble dead fish.
Clemson at Auburn:
Carl Lawson comes limping out of the game after the first play, but is still voted SEC Player of the Week. Gus Malzahn’s high school offense plays like . . . well, a high school offense and fails to convert a first down. The nation watches DeShaun Watson’s Heisman talk come to a screeching halt as he and his 5* receivers are never on the same page. Neither team manages to score in regulation and the game is finally called after eight overtimes and the game goes down as a scoreless tie, setting the game of football back 70 years. The next day, ratings for the final four hours are so low, that ESPN is forced to declare bankruptcy and the rights to their college football coverage are transferred to Fox Sports, who shifts some of their sexy news anchors over to moderate the future half-time shows. Tee Higgins, realizing he has made a huge mistake, announces that he is reopening up his recruitment.
