1. Get the grill going early. Do not wait until everyone’s on their third cocktail. If you don’t serve some food, it could get ugly. They’re going to start yelling at each other about politics—or worse, fantasy football.
2. Project confidence. A grill master should display a certain amount of swagger. Walk right up to that pile of charcoal and blithely toss a match in it, like Arnold Schwarzenegger setting fire to a drug lord’s stash house. If you are gas grilling, grip those knobs, press the button and light that sucker with gusto.
3. Wait. That’s not the grill. That’s the outdoor shower. What are you doing? Is this your first time? Oh dear.
Everybody has an opinion on that steak. Personally, I think it was done eight minutes ago.
4. If this is the first time you’ve ever grilled anything, don’t tell anyone it’s your maiden voyage. Nobody wants a rookie grill master; it’s like a rookie airline pilot. No one wants to look over and see you nervously standing by the grill, holding your phone, googling “How to Grill Chicken.” Be bold. Believe in yourself. The chicken is done.
5. OK, the chicken is not done. Yikes. It needs at least four more minutes on each side.
6. You’re burning the corn, too. What is going on here? Do you need me to get in there?
7. If you’re grilling with an audience, be prepared for an avalanche of unsolicited advice. Everybody has an opinion on that steak. Personally, I think that steak was done eight minutes ago. I’d give it to the dog.
8. Warning: There are some real know-it-all grill blowhards out there. Of course, they’re nothing compared with the smoker blowhards. The smoker blowhards could talk about to you about smoking meat until 2038.
9. Keep your speech about the marinade to a minimum. Your secret ingredient is bourbon. Fabulous.
10. Don’t ask a kid if they want a hot dog. Of course they want a hot dog. They’re a kid.
11. I want a hot dog, too. I don’t care if it’s organic, or it’s half pork, half Marlboro 100. It’s the Fourth of July, and I’m having a hot dog.
At least one item on a skewer is going to grill at a completely different speed than the rest of it, and it’s going to be annoying.
12. You’re going to get at least one food item handed to you that you have no idea how to grill. “Hey, can you grill those garlic scapes?” Don’t look at me. I don’t know what a garlic scape is.
13. If you’re grilling kebabs, realize there’s at least one item on the skewer that’s going to grill at a completely different speed than the rest of it, and it’s going to be annoying.
14. OK, who put the pineapple on the kebabs? Really?
15. Tell those knuckleheads to stop passing a football near the grill. Your cousin is not exactly Aaron Rodgers, and you’ve got $70 worth of swordfish on there.
16. If you let the kids grill marshmallows on sticks, there are going to be at least three kids who set the marshmallow ablaze and run around the yard like they’re marshmallow Vikings.
17. If you’ve burned everything and ruined the cookout, do not panic, and do not tell anyone. Start watering down the drinks immediately, order pizza delivery and calmly walk out of there, never to return.
2. Project confidence. A grill master should display a certain amount of swagger. Walk right up to that pile of charcoal and blithely toss a match in it, like Arnold Schwarzenegger setting fire to a drug lord’s stash house. If you are gas grilling, grip those knobs, press the button and light that sucker with gusto.
3. Wait. That’s not the grill. That’s the outdoor shower. What are you doing? Is this your first time? Oh dear.
Everybody has an opinion on that steak. Personally, I think it was done eight minutes ago.
4. If this is the first time you’ve ever grilled anything, don’t tell anyone it’s your maiden voyage. Nobody wants a rookie grill master; it’s like a rookie airline pilot. No one wants to look over and see you nervously standing by the grill, holding your phone, googling “How to Grill Chicken.” Be bold. Believe in yourself. The chicken is done.
5. OK, the chicken is not done. Yikes. It needs at least four more minutes on each side.
6. You’re burning the corn, too. What is going on here? Do you need me to get in there?
7. If you’re grilling with an audience, be prepared for an avalanche of unsolicited advice. Everybody has an opinion on that steak. Personally, I think that steak was done eight minutes ago. I’d give it to the dog.
8. Warning: There are some real know-it-all grill blowhards out there. Of course, they’re nothing compared with the smoker blowhards. The smoker blowhards could talk about to you about smoking meat until 2038.
9. Keep your speech about the marinade to a minimum. Your secret ingredient is bourbon. Fabulous.
10. Don’t ask a kid if they want a hot dog. Of course they want a hot dog. They’re a kid.
11. I want a hot dog, too. I don’t care if it’s organic, or it’s half pork, half Marlboro 100. It’s the Fourth of July, and I’m having a hot dog.
At least one item on a skewer is going to grill at a completely different speed than the rest of it, and it’s going to be annoying.
12. You’re going to get at least one food item handed to you that you have no idea how to grill. “Hey, can you grill those garlic scapes?” Don’t look at me. I don’t know what a garlic scape is.
13. If you’re grilling kebabs, realize there’s at least one item on the skewer that’s going to grill at a completely different speed than the rest of it, and it’s going to be annoying.
14. OK, who put the pineapple on the kebabs? Really?
15. Tell those knuckleheads to stop passing a football near the grill. Your cousin is not exactly Aaron Rodgers, and you’ve got $70 worth of swordfish on there.
16. If you let the kids grill marshmallows on sticks, there are going to be at least three kids who set the marshmallow ablaze and run around the yard like they’re marshmallow Vikings.
17. If you’ve burned everything and ruined the cookout, do not panic, and do not tell anyone. Start watering down the drinks immediately, order pizza delivery and calmly walk out of there, never to return.
