After planning this trip for several months, I have decided that me, my uncle Herschel, my six kids, and my lovely wife won't be making the 18 hour drive to Knoxville. Just wanted you guys to know.
The plan was originally to petition the US penal system to grant Uncle Herschel a furlough, which after some roadblocks and a fib or two, was finally accomplished. We felt reasonably confident that this man, who I consider more of a wily character than a soulless, calcified sociopath (court transcript description) could make such a trip without too much trouble as he his nearing the end of his sentence and has softened considerably, especially after years of taking estrogen as a means of finding his place in what would be considered by many a most um...unique prison lifestyle.
My large family rarely travels in the same vehicle due our immense size in number as well as prodigious poundage, so the drive itself presented a bit of a challenge. However, my good friend Harold Cartright, a man known more for his giant ball of yarn and his ability to trap jack rabbits than his generosity, told me I could borrow his futon van for the trip. Obviously, a futon van is not ideal for a group of eight, as there are only two seats. However, my children Greta, Landon, Happy, Raynoch, Nicky, and little Butch expressed what I would consider frontier-like spirit when confronted with this news. Nicky expressed gleefully it would be like a hayride except there wouldn't be any hay or scenery. Like any father when confronted with some good humored non-sense from his son, I raised my eyebrow, agreed, and rapidly changed the subject. So the ride was set.
The wife is a different matter. She HATES football. I can't express this enough. She won't only not watch it. She won't allow for it to be discussed at the dinner table. And I know what you alphas are thinking. But you guys haven't seen the size of this woman. I didn't even know she was pregnant with little Butch until she went into labor. And yeah, it was a surprise and I was none too happy about having another mouth to feed. But seeing that little red faced baby screaming his head off when he entered this world gave me an unexpected joy. Sorry...I'm drifting a bit here. Again, the woman hates football, and she's not in great health. Probably not fit for such a long futon van ride, due to painful bedsores and a bad hip. HOWEVER, like any good leader when faced with such a dilemma I was able to package this trip with something she would enjoy. Our trip from Bangor, ME would take us relatively close to Hershey Park, home of Hershey's chocolate. I can't express enough how much love my wife has for this park. For instance, while we were watching McCarthy's The Road, I muttered, "Wouldn't such an excursion be terrible?" The wife instantly responded from her favorite chair in a nearly reclined position, "Not if the the trek traversed through an unspoiled Hershey Park. I would fill up that shopping cart with Hershey's kisses, Hershey's nuggets, York Peppermint Patties, Kit Kats, and oooh!" Her eyes widened and she bolted up with impossible Samurai-like quickness and finished, "and wouldn't it be something if they had some Cadbury Eggs!! I think I would trade little Raynoch for such a treat!" She winked as she said this, reclined again, and reflected with a satisfied grin I hadn't seen since I proposed to her. Almost happily, the wife was on board.
But alas, the trip has fallen apart. One, Harold Cartright informed me that his futon van is also missing the passenger seat. The kids, I can manipulate to accept a ride on the floor. The wife, I cannot. Forget it. Not even trying it. Two, Greta was disheartened and threw a fit when she learned that The Sunsphere doesn't house a wig store. I have no clue where she got the idea that it might, but being a thespian of sorts, such a wig store was the main motivation for her trip. Third, Happy went into a rage after learning that Tyler Byrd wasn't going to be available to sign autographs. Despite limited playing time, Byrd is Happy's favorite player. And if you ever saw me on here begging for Butch to make Byrd the shutdown corner that he is meant to be then well, Happy placed that idea into my head.
I'm sorry I can't make it. I think Pruitt and his staff will turn this program around, and we need to support the boys during the struggle as well as the good times. I hope me and the family can make a couple of games this year.
The plan was originally to petition the US penal system to grant Uncle Herschel a furlough, which after some roadblocks and a fib or two, was finally accomplished. We felt reasonably confident that this man, who I consider more of a wily character than a soulless, calcified sociopath (court transcript description) could make such a trip without too much trouble as he his nearing the end of his sentence and has softened considerably, especially after years of taking estrogen as a means of finding his place in what would be considered by many a most um...unique prison lifestyle.
My large family rarely travels in the same vehicle due our immense size in number as well as prodigious poundage, so the drive itself presented a bit of a challenge. However, my good friend Harold Cartright, a man known more for his giant ball of yarn and his ability to trap jack rabbits than his generosity, told me I could borrow his futon van for the trip. Obviously, a futon van is not ideal for a group of eight, as there are only two seats. However, my children Greta, Landon, Happy, Raynoch, Nicky, and little Butch expressed what I would consider frontier-like spirit when confronted with this news. Nicky expressed gleefully it would be like a hayride except there wouldn't be any hay or scenery. Like any father when confronted with some good humored non-sense from his son, I raised my eyebrow, agreed, and rapidly changed the subject. So the ride was set.
The wife is a different matter. She HATES football. I can't express this enough. She won't only not watch it. She won't allow for it to be discussed at the dinner table. And I know what you alphas are thinking. But you guys haven't seen the size of this woman. I didn't even know she was pregnant with little Butch until she went into labor. And yeah, it was a surprise and I was none too happy about having another mouth to feed. But seeing that little red faced baby screaming his head off when he entered this world gave me an unexpected joy. Sorry...I'm drifting a bit here. Again, the woman hates football, and she's not in great health. Probably not fit for such a long futon van ride, due to painful bedsores and a bad hip. HOWEVER, like any good leader when faced with such a dilemma I was able to package this trip with something she would enjoy. Our trip from Bangor, ME would take us relatively close to Hershey Park, home of Hershey's chocolate. I can't express enough how much love my wife has for this park. For instance, while we were watching McCarthy's The Road, I muttered, "Wouldn't such an excursion be terrible?" The wife instantly responded from her favorite chair in a nearly reclined position, "Not if the the trek traversed through an unspoiled Hershey Park. I would fill up that shopping cart with Hershey's kisses, Hershey's nuggets, York Peppermint Patties, Kit Kats, and oooh!" Her eyes widened and she bolted up with impossible Samurai-like quickness and finished, "and wouldn't it be something if they had some Cadbury Eggs!! I think I would trade little Raynoch for such a treat!" She winked as she said this, reclined again, and reflected with a satisfied grin I hadn't seen since I proposed to her. Almost happily, the wife was on board.
But alas, the trip has fallen apart. One, Harold Cartright informed me that his futon van is also missing the passenger seat. The kids, I can manipulate to accept a ride on the floor. The wife, I cannot. Forget it. Not even trying it. Two, Greta was disheartened and threw a fit when she learned that The Sunsphere doesn't house a wig store. I have no clue where she got the idea that it might, but being a thespian of sorts, such a wig store was the main motivation for her trip. Third, Happy went into a rage after learning that Tyler Byrd wasn't going to be available to sign autographs. Despite limited playing time, Byrd is Happy's favorite player. And if you ever saw me on here begging for Butch to make Byrd the shutdown corner that he is meant to be then well, Happy placed that idea into my head.
I'm sorry I can't make it. I think Pruitt and his staff will turn this program around, and we need to support the boys during the struggle as well as the good times. I hope me and the family can make a couple of games this year.
