Just some satire to pay homage to Trey Smith.
However, ratings versus accomplishments in this list are 100% accurate. Goes to show Rivals staff should be way more humble. I do think they generally do a very good job, but they are FAR from perfect. This is just a sampling from this year's project all-pro.
Bobby Wagner
Rivals: 2 star
Result: All-WAC (3x), NFL 2nd Round Pick (#54), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Our rankings have NOTHING to do with what schools are recruiting a kid. We use our own expert analysis and let no outside influences change our rankings. We call it the "eye test". The fact that this kid is going to Utah State and doesn’t even have a Rivals profile picture is not why he is a 2-star. He is a 2-star because our 750 years of combined analytical experience has projected him to be a mediocre college player in a lower tier conference. If he was going to Alabama, he would still be 2-star.
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Matt Ryan
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: This kid is going to Boston College. What successful quarterback has Boston College ever produced? Exactly. Got ‘em. Boom! 3-star and lucky to ever win a game in the ACC.
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Trent Williams
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NFL 1st Round pick (#4), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: We are holding out on his final ranking to see where he signs. If Saban grabs him, he’ll earn that coveted 4th star. I mean- I mean… I have seen this kid with my own eyes, and he is definitely a ___ star. Woody, don’t forget to remind me to fill this in after his announcement. And erase this notation, too... haha.
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Brandon Scherff
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, Outland Trophy, NFL 1st Round pick (#5), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Brandon Schreeeefffffsptttt looks like all squatty and stuff. Although he is listed as 6’6, our 750 combined years of experience predict he is actually just 6’1. His name sucks and it is really hard to pronounce when you are drunk, so we have just kind of been sidelining him at all the rankings meetings.
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David Johnson
Rivals: 2 star
Result: 1st Round NFL Draft Pick, projected 2016 NFL All-Pro in 2nd year
Probable Mind of Mike: Who? Doesn’t this guy already play for the Steelers? Oh wait, you mean the kid going to Northern Iowa? Yikes. Like Northern Iowa. I mean, his school has nothing to do with how we rank him, 'member? We have seen him with our own expert eyes- those combining for 750 years in the industry- and he should be thanking us for his second star. "Your" welcome.
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Travis Frederick
Rivals: 3 star (5.5)
Result: NCAA All-American, starter from day 1 of freshman year, NFL 1st Round pick, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Just look at this kid. Does he pass the eye test? His arms are like all weird looking. His head looks like a malnourished egg. He doesn’t even shave well. Plus he didn’t come to our camps so he is probably scared of competition. Might take a small dip in the next rankings.
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Aqib Talib
Rivals: 2 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NFL 1st Round Pick, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: (edited, November 2015) We here at Rivals occasionally feature an article titled “Recruits We Missed On”. This year, we only feature one young man on this list. Aqib Talib. See what happened was… Adam freakin’ Gorney misspelled his name on our prospects list. LOL. So next thing we know, we are in some foreign country asking all the locals for someone who doesn’t even exist! LOL. In an unrelated note, my head is much smaller than it was before that trip.
--------------------------
Eric Weddle
Rivals: 2 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NCAA Interceptions leader (2011), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: (edited, January 2016) So like… we decided to add a name to the “Recruits We Missed On”. So what happened was… Adam freakin’ Gorney misspelled his name on our prospects list. LOL. So next we know, we are roaming the terrain of Utah looking for an Eric Waddle. LOL. And by the way, Woody gets married, like twice. LOL. The only Eric Waddle we find is on a mission trip to Honduras, so we say screw it, we will rank him when he gets back. Dude sneaks into college football right under our noses. LOL. We will add him to our very small “Recruits We Missed On” list, but with an asterisk- it was not our fault and had nothing to do with our evaluation abilities.
--------------------------
Aaron Donald
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, Lombardi Award, Outland Trophy, Bednarik Award, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Oh my god. Who gave this kid three stars? Woody, is one of your wives doing your rankings for you again? You can’t rank them based on how well their names rhyme! The kid is only 6’2. My grandma is 6’2- with a hunched back. I vote 2 stars, but whatever…
--------------------------
Luke Kuechly
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American (x2), Butkus Award (college & pro), NFL DPOY, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Just look at his offers- Illinois, Duke, Virginia, Cincinnati. I mean… I mean… look at his measurables. At 6’3, 220…. he does not have the measurables to be a Power 5 linebacker. His body is way too… off. This kid screams 2 star or low 3 star. Plus, his dad didn't return one of my phone calls. That shows weakness right there. Family genes- they aren't go-getters. See people, that is why you pay the $9.95.
--------------------------
Marcus Peters
Rivals: 3 star
Result: All-Pac 12 (2nd team), NFL 1st Round Pick, NFL Rookie of the year, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: (edited, December 2014) See, I told you about this kid! I told you he was a little slow and not that great. He wasn’t even first team All-Pac 12. He was second team. Second team. Read my lips: SECOND TEAM. Us Rivals experts nail yet another one. 3 star ranking was totally deserved.
-------------------------
Jamison Crowder
Rivals: 3 star
Result: All-ACC 1st team (x2), 1200 receiving years second year in NFL
Probable Mind of Mike: Dear Facebook, Jamison Crowder was a four star. Then when I ran him down at a Rivals Camp and asked him how it felt standing next to a celebrity (me), he asked who I was. I was furious. We were supposed to be friends! We have spent the last year trading texts (at all hours of the day!). What a stab in the back. He made me feel cool again. It totally explains why when I tried to give his dad some dap, he looked at me funny until I flashed my Rivals credentials.
NOTE: This is just satire and parody. Mind of Mike said none of these things. He is a public figure and subject to parody like all other public figures. Might be on vacation awhile. Will send postcards.
However, ratings versus accomplishments in this list are 100% accurate. Goes to show Rivals staff should be way more humble. I do think they generally do a very good job, but they are FAR from perfect. This is just a sampling from this year's project all-pro.
Bobby Wagner
Rivals: 2 star
Result: All-WAC (3x), NFL 2nd Round Pick (#54), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Our rankings have NOTHING to do with what schools are recruiting a kid. We use our own expert analysis and let no outside influences change our rankings. We call it the "eye test". The fact that this kid is going to Utah State and doesn’t even have a Rivals profile picture is not why he is a 2-star. He is a 2-star because our 750 years of combined analytical experience has projected him to be a mediocre college player in a lower tier conference. If he was going to Alabama, he would still be 2-star.
-------------------------
Matt Ryan
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: This kid is going to Boston College. What successful quarterback has Boston College ever produced? Exactly. Got ‘em. Boom! 3-star and lucky to ever win a game in the ACC.
--------------------------
Trent Williams
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NFL 1st Round pick (#4), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: We are holding out on his final ranking to see where he signs. If Saban grabs him, he’ll earn that coveted 4th star. I mean- I mean… I have seen this kid with my own eyes, and he is definitely a ___ star. Woody, don’t forget to remind me to fill this in after his announcement. And erase this notation, too... haha.
--------------------------
Brandon Scherff
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, Outland Trophy, NFL 1st Round pick (#5), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Brandon Schreeeefffffsptttt looks like all squatty and stuff. Although he is listed as 6’6, our 750 combined years of experience predict he is actually just 6’1. His name sucks and it is really hard to pronounce when you are drunk, so we have just kind of been sidelining him at all the rankings meetings.
--------------------------
David Johnson
Rivals: 2 star
Result: 1st Round NFL Draft Pick, projected 2016 NFL All-Pro in 2nd year
Probable Mind of Mike: Who? Doesn’t this guy already play for the Steelers? Oh wait, you mean the kid going to Northern Iowa? Yikes. Like Northern Iowa. I mean, his school has nothing to do with how we rank him, 'member? We have seen him with our own expert eyes- those combining for 750 years in the industry- and he should be thanking us for his second star. "Your" welcome.
--------------------------
Travis Frederick
Rivals: 3 star (5.5)
Result: NCAA All-American, starter from day 1 of freshman year, NFL 1st Round pick, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Just look at this kid. Does he pass the eye test? His arms are like all weird looking. His head looks like a malnourished egg. He doesn’t even shave well. Plus he didn’t come to our camps so he is probably scared of competition. Might take a small dip in the next rankings.
--------------------------
Aqib Talib
Rivals: 2 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NFL 1st Round Pick, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: (edited, November 2015) We here at Rivals occasionally feature an article titled “Recruits We Missed On”. This year, we only feature one young man on this list. Aqib Talib. See what happened was… Adam freakin’ Gorney misspelled his name on our prospects list. LOL. So next thing we know, we are in some foreign country asking all the locals for someone who doesn’t even exist! LOL. In an unrelated note, my head is much smaller than it was before that trip.
--------------------------
Eric Weddle
Rivals: 2 star
Result: NCAA All-American, NCAA Interceptions leader (2011), NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: (edited, January 2016) So like… we decided to add a name to the “Recruits We Missed On”. So what happened was… Adam freakin’ Gorney misspelled his name on our prospects list. LOL. So next we know, we are roaming the terrain of Utah looking for an Eric Waddle. LOL. And by the way, Woody gets married, like twice. LOL. The only Eric Waddle we find is on a mission trip to Honduras, so we say screw it, we will rank him when he gets back. Dude sneaks into college football right under our noses. LOL. We will add him to our very small “Recruits We Missed On” list, but with an asterisk- it was not our fault and had nothing to do with our evaluation abilities.
--------------------------
Aaron Donald
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American, Lombardi Award, Outland Trophy, Bednarik Award, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Oh my god. Who gave this kid three stars? Woody, is one of your wives doing your rankings for you again? You can’t rank them based on how well their names rhyme! The kid is only 6’2. My grandma is 6’2- with a hunched back. I vote 2 stars, but whatever…
--------------------------
Luke Kuechly
Rivals: 3 star
Result: NCAA All-American (x2), Butkus Award (college & pro), NFL DPOY, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: Just look at his offers- Illinois, Duke, Virginia, Cincinnati. I mean… I mean… look at his measurables. At 6’3, 220…. he does not have the measurables to be a Power 5 linebacker. His body is way too… off. This kid screams 2 star or low 3 star. Plus, his dad didn't return one of my phone calls. That shows weakness right there. Family genes- they aren't go-getters. See people, that is why you pay the $9.95.
--------------------------
Marcus Peters
Rivals: 3 star
Result: All-Pac 12 (2nd team), NFL 1st Round Pick, NFL Rookie of the year, NFL All-Pro
Probable Mind of Mike: (edited, December 2014) See, I told you about this kid! I told you he was a little slow and not that great. He wasn’t even first team All-Pac 12. He was second team. Second team. Read my lips: SECOND TEAM. Us Rivals experts nail yet another one. 3 star ranking was totally deserved.
-------------------------
Jamison Crowder
Rivals: 3 star
Result: All-ACC 1st team (x2), 1200 receiving years second year in NFL
Probable Mind of Mike: Dear Facebook, Jamison Crowder was a four star. Then when I ran him down at a Rivals Camp and asked him how it felt standing next to a celebrity (me), he asked who I was. I was furious. We were supposed to be friends! We have spent the last year trading texts (at all hours of the day!). What a stab in the back. He made me feel cool again. It totally explains why when I tried to give his dad some dap, he looked at me funny until I flashed my Rivals credentials.
NOTE: This is just satire and parody. Mind of Mike said none of these things. He is a public figure and subject to parody like all other public figures. Might be on vacation awhile. Will send postcards.
